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Just some introspection about my gender identity
//Edit// I noticed afterwards I should've put gender in parenthesis as this post didn't turn out to be solely about gender identity but things related to it or the kind of thoughts I got when thinking about my gender identity... But since you can't change headlines, please be understainding ;) // As you see from my tag I'm still questioning. I've written here a few times before, and I feel like this subreddit is helping me to recognize whether or not my issues arise from gender dysphoria of some sort... Now I'd just like to share a few notes I've made about my gender identity. I don't necessary have any questions right now. But if my notes give you any kind of thoughts, feel free to comment!
since childhood I've felt "wild girl" or "boyish" (instead of girlish).
as a child I never felt I was a boy or a girl. I mean, in the way some kids say since they learn to speak "I'm a girl" or "eww, boys".
I liked being treated like a girl (sweet, vulnerable), because of it made me feel I wasn't that different after all, and I also thought I was really cute. But at the same time it irritated me because of everybody would think I was weak and gave me no responsibility (I actually demanded my mum to give me some "responsible" household stuff to do at daily basis). Sometimes I just felt so frustrated and angry because of this contradiction.
also sometimes I just felt really, really angry, and remember just been wondering why on the earth.
as a child I felt like I had not much to talk with my peer girl friends and being with boys felt more easy - I had a few good girl friends, as well as a few good boy friends as a child, even though my girl friends never were the "most girly" girls and boy friends weren't the "most boyish" either.
I hated especially girly things like color pink, Barbies, house-plays etc. and liked kind of "neutral" things like drawing, Pokemon, animals and dinosaurs (I mean, I wasn't that much into cars or sports). And color blue!
I didn't have natural chance to do sports due to my physical disability/ restrictions, but whenever we had P.E. at school, I got feeling like I was really into it and other girls "didn't even try". As a young adult I've little by little found I actually indeed enjoy fast team sports (found a sport which I can do).
as a teen I felt like I was thinking differently from other girls.
I enjoy doing feminine "dress ups" sometimes, but while it's fun, it also feels weird and alienating to see myself so feminine on the mirror. I couldn't feel myself "at home" in feminine clothes, but on the other hand enjoyed wearing them since I was a kid because of I get positive attention by doing so and felt like I was pretty. I also feel "naked" without feminine clothes in public, like I wouldn't be seen as a woman without them. Mulan wearing feminine clothes in the beginning of the movie described my feelings pretty well.
Whenever I wore boyish clothes like cap hats or certain kind of jackets, it felt just natural and I didn't understand why I couldn't wear like that in public. I was fine with dresses and stuff, but always thought they looked better if I had a cap hat or jacket etc not-girly mixed with them. Once I got to try on an (real) army jacket of a relative man, and it was so cool (even if too big lol).
I'm not necessarily miserable with my body on everyday life, I think it's ok objectively speaking. I think I'm physically just fine.
I do feel like more flat shape would be more natural for me (I envied flat-chested girls as a teen but I think it was just because of puberty was a new thing for me), or I don't feel like shapes were "necessary" in the picture of myself. Yet, I don't hate my shapes.
I still feel like my body looks pretty nice and would be pity to change it in any way.
I feel like it would be nice to date someone with body like mine (which is really disturbing though)
thinking of myself as a woman have always in some vague way felt funny, but can't think of myself as a "man" either. Sometimes I just feel like I'm late bloomer and one day I'll just "start" feeling like a woman. Or realize I already felt that way all way along.
since I was a kid I remember thinking every now and then that I really don't know who I am. Probably because of that I easily get influenced by people around me and never really know what "I" would think about things. Kind of disconnected with myself, or don't have "coherent" personality.
I feel like I can do a life of woman and I have no idea how to "be a man". Career etc.
I've had irritation when being seen really feminine, but never bothered me to be seen masculine... well, boyish (since it's not possible with my look to really be seen that masculine).
I get nice feeling when someone says I'm persistent; it gives more to me than hearing I'm pretty.
I feel like I wasn't as emotional as my mother wished me to be as her daughter.
I just have this weird feel like I needed to know more about transgender stuff. Even if I don't necessarily feel like I was one, I feel like for some reason I need to learn about transgender experiences.
I'm wondering if I'm a tomboy or transvestite, or if every woman feels things like these and I'm making big deal out of nothing. Maybe I don't just know myself well enough?
I feel really strongly I'm just doing it all up for some reason. Like I had some other unconscious problems which I wanted to escape by believing gender issues are causing my problems and this is the answer.
I feel like something kept me from being really happy and "beginning" my life, but I often assumed it was my disability or some sort of depression due to it.
Thanks for reading & have a great week! //Edit 9th Jan// Some more stuff... These things just keep on coming, sorry x3 I think it's better I list it all in the same post so I don't spam anyone else here too much.
as a kid, never identified with feminine cartoon characters; most of my role models were male, even though not the most masculine superman or warrior types, yet most often male.
I have two sets of clothes; ones for home and others for public. I feel like people would learn "too much" about me if I wore the kind of clothes I actually liked in public (this especially makes me feel like a transvestite). And thus I'm been seen more feminine than I am and it makes social interactions unsatisfying and embarrassing (internally). Like I acted too feminine instead of who I really am, to "match" my clothes and public identity.
No experience in sexual relationships. I've had hard time seeing myself as a sexual partner, and just always explained it to myself that it's due to my disability. Even though I feel like I'm really ok with my disability (it have never been an issue for me, I actually like some parts of this identity), it's the best reason I could come up with. Yet I have some sexual desires so at least I know I'm not asexual.
//Edit 17th Jan//
any time I meet an interesting guy, I feel like they lose interest in me soon as I step out of my public "girl's" identity. That actually might isn't true from the men's part, rather I feel like I can't know what to do without that public identity. Like lost with myself. Any time I meet an interesting girl, I can't place myself into the relationship, can't see myself in the picture, even if I clearly liked her. I know, I should represent myself bettebe more "true" me, but it just feels difficult to change (even just a little bit). I don't even know what "true" me would be like... Sometimes I also feel I simply have too little experience in dating and that's why I feel like "not fitting". But what have prevented me from getting more experience, in the first place?
I like the way my body "represents" a woman, like it was a pretty picture. Like my body did a good job at representing this identity. But at the same time it feels like not me actually and irritating because of that. And feeling like I should be thankful for what I got and there should be no issue. And yet I'm attached to my body and can't see it changing in any way. I wonder when did it change, or did I always feel this way. I can't remember.
I also realized today, that similarly to my body, I've always had mixed feelings for my voice. Like, I have really nice voice I get compliments for, and I agree with that. But at the same time it sounds somehow stupid in my ears, like very girly and cutie-pie. But I really can't imagine having a male voice either. I guess everybody hates their own voice so it could be just that lol.
I wonder if being born male would have been answer to my issues. If I was born male, would I miss the possibility to occasionally dress up as a woman? On the other words, have I been brought up preferring feminine clothes or would I want to wear them even if nobody had encouraged me? Would the feeling of "not being me" be greater or lesser than currently?
I keep on wondering if I was been representing myself as a tomboy since childhood (less girly), would I have any identity issues right now. Could it really be just all about my public image/ look?
also still wondering if I could really have gender issues, moreover everything else. Like, how likely is that?
Wondering if I just have some weird self-rejecting depression that needs to be diagnosed. Or some mental issues, or social issues, just something I can't even imagine of no matter how hard I try. It's most bothering feeling that I reject myself while also liking myself at the same time. Like I had two minds in one head. I'm also afraid of letting people really know myself, because of it's quite disturbing to have mixed feelings like these.
All my life I've felt like my life somehow isn't starting. I feel like I've always lived trough other people's lives (let it be real people or characters in tv, books etc). I think it had a lot to do with my physical restrictions, but regarding how independent I'm today, I shouldn't feel mentally restricted like this. First I thought when I'll start at school, I'll start feeling the life is "mine", then when starting to study, I was waiting for my life to start feeling "mine", and now after starting to work, still waiting for that feeling to come. And on the other hand, I've achieved some really huge, cool things in life, and never felt like I actually achieved anything (poor self-esteem?). I wonder what is missing to feel my life to truly "start", because of whatever it is, it seems like I'm never achieving it no matter what I did.
I notice I'm still thinking about these things excessively, even if I made a promised to give myself a break. I wonder if this makes it worse, like I start to notice smaller and smaller insignificant things that normally shouldn't bother people by any way. Or making false self-diagnosing that brings me just further from the actual issues.
After all I feel like my life is going fine. It keeps going and bringing pretty things to me while I'm the passenger. I'm thankful for many things and wouldn't have chosen any other life.
//Edit 21st Jan//
I feel like being a tomboy somehow doesn't explain comprehensively how I feel about myself. I wonder if butches and tomboys also feel like there was "a little guy" inside themselves. Do they actually feel a little bit of dysphoria but not much enough to change a thing? Or they don't even realize they're ignoring it? Or are they completely fine with the way their body is but just love to have a more masculine style? Getting an answer to this question would actually help me a lot.
I still can't picture having male body (nor female one), I just feel like something is off with myself. Could this be an indicator of my issues being something else than (body) dysphoria?
//Edit 1st Feb//
Lately I've realized something about my identity. It's different thing to feel like you were something than to feel like something "fits" for you. I feel like I've been considering femininity and womanhood as a part of my identity, because of it "fits" for me. Feminine clothes and style just fit for a body and face like mine. I associated "being yourself" with looking on the mirror and seeing a generally good-looking person. I feel kind of stupid actually, for keeping up like that for so long... I think I just didn't listen to myself, or just wanted so bad to be like everyone else (especially at teens). On the other hand, I don't blame myself, as I genuinely thought every girl has the same kind of feelings of "performing" womanhood (instead of living womanhood). How could have I known? Anyway, I'm happy I know myself better today :)
The one question that could come up in the future, what if I start to feel like my body is too feminine for me not feeling like a woman? Though it doesn't bother me too much right now. I feel like going for a cloth style more mine would fix a lot of things with my internal conflict and the contrast between how I feel and how I look. I'm just trying to not to worry about the future too much.
//Edit 5th Feb//
Had a flashback: as a teen looked at some butch women, thinking "I wish I could wear that kind of cool jeans too" and simultaneously "why would any woman with self-respect make themselves look so unattractive?" :(
I also had one pair of "must have" jeans as a teen, which were sold at girls' section but looked quite boyish by their cut and coloring. I couldn't have them because of there wasn't right size left at the moment at the store. I recalled it later, and my mum said "you still thinking of those pants". It didn't feel like I had been thinking of them for that long; they were simply the love of my life I couldn't forget.
New obsession: scrolling trough women's & men's cloth sections at online stores and checking out "cloths I like" vs. "cloths that fit for my body". Most of "I like" are from men's section and most of "fits for my body" are from women's section (it feels especially impossible to find clothes I feel could fit for me from men's section). Even though I feel there should be more diversity with colors on men's section, the styles feel more comfortable. And even though there's usually way more options on women's section, most of it makes me feel like "dressing up as that woman".
Feeling like cap hat is literally the only masculine cloth (= cloth I consider myself as masculine) I'm actually confident enough to wear in public x3 And it's winter here so it's too cold to wear right now :'>
Feeling like masculine clothes would really look stupid on me and I'm "too old" for sudden style change...
//Edit 11th Feb//
I feel like it's better to have normal female body than abnormal male body, so I don't see how any medical treatment could fix a thing... Like, if I didn't have breasts, my hips would pop up even more and my body would look unnatural for any gender. I can't have shapeless body, just breast-less one. At least I can be happy with my current body when looking at it in objective way.
I wonder if I just admire men very much and am not trans after all. I've always thought that female body is prettier, so why can't I be happy about having (relatively good-looking) one?
I've been jealous for some trans women for their more masculine look, and that feels just so wrong, knowing what they're going trough. On the other hand, looking at trans men feels distressing, because of I know I'd never look like them, with my face proportions. I just want long nose, jaw bones and real nose bridge. And I'm wondering if changing a thing on my current body would feel like a super huge mistake after all. On the other hand, imagining that I had an actual mature male body would be a little scary as well. Sometimes I just feel like I wanted to have taller and more masculine female body. Or, like that would be enough for me to feel comfortable with myself. I'm honestly clueless :'>
Anyhow. I've started to buy kind of clothes I like, and that feels so rewarding (even though feeling like a rebellious teenage girl is slightly disturbing) :)
//Edit 19th Feb//
As a kid, it irritated me that I would easily decline into a level of crybaby (I disliked cartoon character Bubbles from Powerpuff Girls, because of I felt like everybody thought I was exactly like her). I got positive attention by showing emotions that aroused feelings of compassion and protection and when being confident and headstrong it was either ignored or questioned. Moreover that, I felt like I just simply couldn't handle my emotions like boys did and that felt so frustrating (still sometimes get frustrated because of this). Sometimes I thought I should train my emotions to be taken more seriously... but of course that never happened as I got no practice on being pressured.
As a kid, I also had fear of people seeing me very different from my peer boy friends. As a teen I was worried I'd be seen different from my peer girl friends, too (didn't have hope of been seen as one of the boys anymore). But somehow that didn't feel as personal, even if still quite worrying.
I felt like my potential was never really seen. Or that my deviant personality features were seen as a quirk and not something to consider worth recognition. I mean, "funny" things I did would be a subject of joke for relatives, but that was all.
It's unfair that people get most attention for their appearance. Even a stranger could compliment you for being "pretty" or "cute", but only those who really know you would say anything about the personality beneath the surface. Thus you would get ten times more compliments from your looks than from your character.
I wonder if I would have no problem if I was just been able to be a true tomboy in the childhood. At least I think I would have way less mixed feelings right now (or the exact opposite, feeling more clear confusion).
//Edit 20th Feb//
I wonder why I haven't thought of my gender identity before. I think I just always interpreted my issues to be something else. As a kid I thought it's because of I can't freely move around with other kids. As a teen I thought it was because of I wasn't skinny (I didn't have over weight and I didn't think I was fat, but I just assumed that's the case as that was the case with every single of my peer girl friends). As a young adult I thought it was just because of I was done with textbooks and hadn't started my "adult life" at work... Well, now I've friends that don't run too much anymore (adults, you know ;) ). I have a perfectly fit body. And I have a great job I love to do. So I guess I'm just finally running out of excuses. Well, the hot question right now would be, have I interpreted the issue right this time, or am I still doing false assumptions and it's yet something else...
//Edit 22nd Feb//
Just sharing something meaningful to me this time (even tho not sure if anyone even reads these lmao): Artist Akiakane have been a huge thing for me. When I was younger, her strong and undisguised singing style gave me some sort of passion to keep going and doing your thing. Later I found her live performances, and it was yet another huge thing to me to find out she wasn't "just another lolita" but actually had such a cool and individual style (in a country of yet somewhat strong gender expectations). This artist have given so much for me. Rolling girl, Love Is War, FlashBack, Rolling girl live 2014, Japan expo live 2013, Honkong 2013 live, Honkong 2012 live part-1, Honkong 2012 live part-2.
//Edit 4th Ma/
At the moment I feel like I could live without any kind of change, if I found a partner that saw me the way I am and could accept that.
At the same time I feel kind of guilty living in a lie. But it's weird as it doesn't have effect on anyone but me at the moment, so I kind of feel I shouldn't feel guilty.
For some reason, I've started to have more clear and concrete visions on what kind of things I wish my future partner to have (and not to have) :O At the same time, I want to avoid any kind of "crystal clear" picture, I want to keep my mind open. Anyhow, it's definitely a positive thing I'm even able to think about myself in a relationship (until now my fantasies have been about other people and me never included).
I'm starting to see how deep this role of female actually is in me, nearly like a defensive mechanism. Especially with people I don't know, the super feminine girly lady kicks in with such a power. Nearly like an reflex, can't help it happening. I'm terrified that they would find out I'm leading a role, so I pretend twice as much (and I feel internally so embarrassed).
I read an article about Autism on females (Finnish), there the original reference. It said that females with Aspergers are neuro-typically closer to cis males - and not something more distinctive like the case is with cis males with Aspergers. I wonder if I actually had some sort of Aspergers after all :x I've thought of that before, but never taken it seriously as nobody has suspected that and every person I know who have it are completely different from me (even though most are male). How can anyone tell difference, if that's the case? And does it even matter?
I had a discussion with a person on a forum. They said I should do me, and ignore any expense. But I feel like I'm mentally too weak to do any practical changes this moment (especially when this gender identity stuff isn't my only issue). Like, wearing a boyish hat is the most daring thing I can currently do. Feeling so powerless.
I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere (but no idea where), and not just stuck with this relationship-less working life. I feel relieved and terrified at the same time x´>
I've felt jealous for trans women and drag queens, and even just for feminine guys. These feelings have been there for about as long as I realized I might not be straight (for a few years now). But I just ignored it, because of it seemed so unreasonable for me; like why to be jealous to them, when I can be as feminine as I wish and no-one has anything to say about it. Or I misinterpreted it being me interested in this kind of guys, instead of wishing to be one. Like, because of I'm bi, so I just get attracted to all kind of guys. While some things are still confusing, I think I've found some reasons why I feel this way. First, this same old "looking myself in the mirror all feminine, I kinda enjoy seeing that beautiful person, even if it doesn't feel like me" thing. So I feel longing connection to people who can "represent female" with joy and still - especially in the case of drag queens - be perceived as male in their "real" life. In other words, I wish I could be a person that could do some drag for fun every now and then, but not been seen as the character 24/7. Second, I wish I had less feminine body, especially some secondary female characteristics bug me. So if I had a body with outer male characteristics, I think I'd feel mentally more free. I mean, anything super masculine like butch still isn't my thing, so I have no way to give "guy vibes" with my current body without over-exaggerating things. For example, I hate pastel colors, they just make me look like a complete baby with this body. The same thing with makeup. But if I had a male body, I think I probably would enjoy wearing some pastel stuff and makeup as well, because of they wouldn't make me look like a baby-girl and everyone would just perceive me as a feminine guy (which I feel describes me better than "feminine girl"). So I'm kinda jealous of those people who can wear whatever and still be seen as a male, simply just not "normative" one. And I feel so quilt for feeling this way, especially for trans women, because of I know that's exactly the way they do not wish to be seen.
I also recently realized my closest family might have actually been non-supportive with me being gender-nonconforming kid; not just "lack in encouragement" but actually even opposing it. But it have been just so difficult to perceive because of they're a very loving and supportive family in any other aspects on life. Feels like shit to realize I have probably been taking more than I should, for my own good, and also if I was to talk with them, I can't see how they wouldn't perceive it as me being disgraceful and attacking them :( I also feel like a pretender, like I've lied about everything and misled them on purpose. For example, I know my mom sees me as her daughter, and we have super close relationship... if I bring any of this up, does she feel like nothing of that is real? And what's even worse, I feel so bad for her having closer relationship with me than my brother.
Since I registered to reddit and started to process these things, I feel like I've started to look at myself in a very different light. Like light was suddenly turned on and I can see myself. Before I was always looking at myself from the outside, and I was quite content because of I knew I looked good and people would love me for that. But I've started to become more and more unsatisfied with myself after I realized that "looking good" (= feminine girl) doesn't make me feel myself. This change have been so sudden, it nearly feels like I had some sort of psychosis or something. Like, how come I had no idea before, for all my life? Everything feels so surreal. The only good thing about this is, I feel like I'm more present on my life, instead of living some kind of double life.
I've been talking with some local guys/ girls/ whoever anonymously online, and found a few who get what I'm feeling (and even those who didn't get it, weren't attacking but just joked about it) :O But I'm still really suspicious, like most probably those who seem to be interested in me, just try to take advantage of "a girl who has vulnerable mindset"... Anyway, it's better than nothing, for now.
//Edit 12th April//
I've had very interesting discussion about (unidentified) connection between gender identity and autism. While my journey on gender identity goes on, I still keep wondering if I had for example Aspergers too. Especially many features of Asperger on females seem to fit for me... So does that mean I simply have a brain neurotypical to female Asperger person? On the other hand, as I said 4th Mar, brain organization of female people of autism spectrum might resemble more of cis males than cis females... I have to face it, I'm no professional so I can't make sense of this all :'D Anyhow, it's interesting to think about.
//Edit 18th April//
This post is amazing: The FTM's complete illustrated guide to looking like a hot dude. Previously I thought I wasn't "ready" for a male body, or I would be ok with having a "preteen male body" but not an adult one. The writer's talk about muscle mass was an eye-opener for me. You read everywhere that T makes you to grow muscle mass, and that have felt alienating for me. I have never been even attracted to muscular men. He made a notion that lean male body still has a huge amount of muscle mass compared to lean female body. So, I think a lean male body is actually what I've been looking for, with "preteen male body"... I just don't want to turn out looking like a weight lifter or something (which doesn't happen by accident, according to him)! Well, I'll keep on thinking about things :)
//Edit 2nd May//
I visited my childhood city. I met my relatives and took part to a celebration. Normally whenever I dressed up for an occasion, I have had these thoughts of "well, I pass as a pretty girl so everything is fine & at least I look like a pretty girl, many girls would be jealous for my look so I ought to feel nothing but happy" in my head when looking in the mirror. I've had some obsessions regarding dressing up, for example "always wear a skirt" (even if majority of women don't wear a skirt). I simply felt like I wouldn't pass without (even if I do, with this damn feminine body). Anyhow, this time, I decided to wear pants and a blazer. Still noticeably feminine, flower prints, jewelry, makeup, hairdo, nobody would tell me being anything but a female. Even if I knew that, I felt really naked. Like I was screaming to people I'm not a woman. While, at the same time, I felt very much connected to myself. Maybe I've became dependent on my "female costume" over the years, and even over-compensated the lack of experience of womanhood by my appearance? Anyhow, I think this was a really good experience, to learn more about myself and my insecurities.
//Edit 31st May//
It's full summer here now. I've realized summer is actually harder for gender-nonconforming people, because of you can't hide yourself inside androgynous quilted jackets and sweaters and bobble hats... it's like everything you wear is a literal statement on your identity x3 What makes me happy tho, there's a growing amount of androgynous or even masculine clothes also on women's section at many local stores... so I can dress my closeted ass without panicking :'D The only real pity is, men's clothes seem always to be more qualified, made to last longer, if you compare them to women's clothes with same cut. Which pisses me off.
I still experience that weird contradiction with myself I talked about when I first posted here on reddit ( asktransgender ). I still don't have any kind of groundbreaking feelings of dysphoria when I look at my body on the mirror. I just look at it as a pretty body. BUT I do have distress about the feeling of having certain shapes. For example, when I first tried my (* super-cheap-not-sure-if-it-even-works *) binder, I was disappointed when looking in the mirror, because of nothing looked different. But then I realized how it feels to have flatter chest and that felt just so right and natural. It's nearly like the reflection on the mirror didn't connect with my experience of being in this body. Kinda weird :/
I have mainly female co-workers at my workplace, and it feels weird that when looking at them, most of them have more masculine hairstyles, less makeup etc. than I do. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still just trying to "play role" of woman, but on the other hand, I know I also genuinely like feminine accessories etc. I get so much confidence from wearing an outfit of feminine or neutral clothes, but having one piece of cloth that is noticeably masculine.
I still don't know if I have gender dysphoria, whether I'm transmasculine nonbinary trans or quite feminine binary trans guy or if this something all different. I feel like my dysphoria isn't persistent and "coherent" enough for me to be binary trans guy.
I feel like I could possibly live without medical treatments (or that's what I think so far, lol), if I just found a partner who gets it I don't identify as a woman. But, while still looking like one and not doing that much effort to chance that picture (I know for example "side crop" hairstyle could help nearly instantly but just doesn't feel like "me"), I'm not sure if I'll ever meet that person :< I feel like just changing from one issue to another if I changed my style to be noticeably more masculine. Like, choosing to be seen as "not female" vs. as "yourself" (in the sense of style)?
Lately I've been thinking of my father, who I have last seen few years ago. He has always been just very unable to settle down (and to this day he still has issues with relationships), and been blamed for that. But thinking of myself, I feel like if I hadn't gone trough this road of single life and personal self-examination and just jumped to relationship as a teen, I'd be as lost and unable to feel safe in relationship as he was (commitment-phobic). I've literally had moments when I thought I should stop having crush on someone because of I could already feel I'm going to break up even before starting to date. Like, I'd love to be with someone but somehow always felt I couldn't be seen as myself and that would eventually drive me away from my partner. I feel like I had some of his characteristics very strongly, and once even wondered if he really is 100% straight/cis after all.
Someone said something along the lines "there's no women online" (meaning, you won't be seen as a woman, but as a fellow buddy until you prove yourself being female). And I realized that the reason I love talking online, is the fact I can give the first impression of myself by talking and not by my appearance. I mean, sometimes when I talk online, I'm way more confident than I'd be irl, because of there's the higher possibility of me being seen as a guy (and when I've been seen as one, I don't correct people and that feels super x) ).
Youtubers like Ash, Chase, Riley and Elliot are amazing (even tho I don't necessarily 100% agree with everything they say, they're the kind of people who's videos or aesthetics speak to me)!
//Edit 25th June//
I've started to realize that more I am letting myself to act "me", more likely I'm going to find chemistry with a woman than a man. I mean, looking back, most of the time there's been "something in the air" with a man, I've basically felt just very flattered and excited they recognize me as a woman, and done my best to represent one. Whereas when being myself, less straight men find me attractive and more queer women do. But if I thought of myself as a guy, I'd love to date a man with no question, but it just doesn't feel pleasant with my current body and look. Somehow I feel like I can currently be more myself around women than men, when talking about dating (it have been the nearly opposite when thinking of my circle of friends in the childhood; my circle of friends changed drastically during teens when I started to be friends solely with girls, mostly due to expectations I guess). But I wish I could feel comfortable dating men, because of I'm also attracted to them.
I've still been considering the possibility that I'm actually just a very butch woman that has issues with self-image (seeing myself more feminine than I am). Am I misinterpreting butch women or seeing them superficially, because of I think they're just women who act and dress in a masculine way? I still feel like butch doesn't explain who I am (or my struggle), but I can't explain why it wouldn't explain it.
I think that every part of my "femininity" is copied from the closest female members of my family, especially my mum. I feel like I deeply betrayed her, if I suddenly stopped being like her. It's distressing to even think about. On the other hand, I do have experience of instances where I was less feminine/girly by the way I behaved or talked, and her response have always been negative or indifferent, never positive. Sometimes even a bit defensive, like any level of masculinity I had was a threat or insult to her (while she's been very supportive of my brother in the same matter). I don't think she did it on purpose, but I went shopping with her after long time, and any cloth that looked even a little bit masculine, she asked if it's a men's cloth. And she also "warned" me several times about men's clothes, which I really can't remember her doing ever before. Is she guessing something? Does she think I just suddenly want to wear men's clothes to make her feel uncomfortable? It was all quite exhausting, not going to do shopping with her anytime soon again.
I feel like I am not ready to come out as anything yet (and my mum isn't ready for that either). I just wonder how long I can keep this weird limbo going. But I did talk with her about other issues we have had with our relationship, as well as about issues I'm worried about with her health and well-being. Even if it was difficult and distressing, I feel like I did the right thing and I just really hope she feels the same. I wonder if I made it clear enough I had that talk because of I care about her.
There was an event I took part to, and wore my "basic armor" ( skirt, makeup, feminine hairdo, jewelry etc). I still find myself enjoying when wearing women's clothes and accessories. I mean, they are pretty and fit my body. But at the same time it feels like I was just exhibiting some pretty clothes on a catwalk and not representing myself. But I didn't dislike it, just felt a little bit disconnected with my true identity. I wonder if it's ok like this, like I can still enjoy what I'm doing, even if everybody didn't see 100% true representation of myself all the time (most of the time). I mean, I still feel like if I had some sort of dysphoria, it's rather just a small background noise and not a huge mess like it seems to be to most trans guys who transition. Also, I think some butch women probably feel the same way about wearing super feminine clothes (?), but I wonder do they also wish to have less curves and more masculine body? And that's still different thing than wishing to have a male body. I've heard some butch women also bind. Why?
I also had fear of actually not being a guy few days ago. Like, I just thought about the way I talk and behave and act and even write and felt like there's no way I would ever look or sound or be like a guy. I feel like I'm just a stupid girl making problems out of nowhere. But I try to remember this all for me to feel more confident and happy with my life, this is for myself. If it's starting to feel too much or "not me", I can stop it anytime and live my life as a feminine woman.
Hats make me feel so much better even if I feel people around think it's weird or I'm just lazy with my hair. This piece of cloth gives me strength and confidence and make me look good.
I always think I'll write just few lines and while I'm writing, more and more issues pop up on my mind...
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